Category Archives: Just for fun

Why English is hard to Learn

I’ve just come across this text and I’ve thought it was funny to share with you. I agree that English rules (mainly those regarding pronunciation) are a bit chaotic but I don’t particularly think it is a difficult language. The key is your attitude towards learning!! So never give up!

🙂

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The Morality Of Dishonesty

1. A few years ago robbers entered a bank in a small town. One of them shouted: “Don’t move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.”
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

2. One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying, “Ma’am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly.”
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

3. While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): “Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole.?”
The older man replied: “Don’t be stupid. It’s a lot of money so let’s wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank.”
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

4. After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: “Let’s call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen.”
“Wait”, said the Accountant, “before we do that, let’s add the 800,000 dollars we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery.”
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

5. The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of 3 million dollars. The robbers counted the money, but they found only 1 million dollars so they started to grumble.
“We risked our lives for 1 million dollars, while the bank’s management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe its better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber.”
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

Jokes

Silly jokes, just for fun! 🙂

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Flying instructions

Such a fun way to pay attention to the safety rules when flying…

http://wtf.microsiervos.com/eltubo/videoclip-seguridad-aviones-virgin.html

The 23 most wonderfully Scottish things that have ever happened

Very funny! http://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/the-most-wonderfully-scottish-things-that-have-ever-happe

 

How to write good English

( By Bob Yareham- Source: VLC News)

Good English is not something you are born with; good English can only be acquired when you have learnt the hard and fast rules that govern it.
For those of you who occasionally have to write in English, and sense that the recipients of your labours are laughing at you; here are the 21 golden rules:

1 Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

2 Never use similes, and avoid clichés like the plague; they’re old hat.

3 Avoid etc, if you have something to add, add it; if not, finish your sentence.

4 Hash tags & ampersands are ugly; don’t use them, even if your Twitter starts to bully you.

5 Strive to boldly go where no writer has gone before, but split an infinitive at your peril.

6 Don’t use contractions, even those that give a certain realism to dialogue and aren’t intrusive.

7 Parenthetical notes (however relevant they may seem to be at the time) are intrusive and completely (in the fullest sense of the word) unnecessary.

8 Never generalize; nobody likes it and nobody has ever said anything interesting in that manner.

9 Name-dropping is almost as feeble as the use of quotations; wasn’t it indeed Ralph Waldo Emerson himself who averred: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know!”

10 Don’t be redundant; avoid the use of superfluous, unnecessary, otiose, excrescent language. Talent is more than just the ability to open Roget’s Thesaurus at the right page.

11 The passive voice should be avoided at all times, unless you are writing for a newspaper or protecting your sources, whether they exist or not.

12 Rhetorical questions only show weakness and a lack of narrative style. Who needs them?

13 A preposition is positively the last thing you should end a sentence with.

14 In as far as it’s possible, and providing the structure of a scene permits it, always, within reason, get to the point as soon as (and I cannot emphasise this enough) possible.

15 Always acknowledge all authors whose work you have or have not used as inspiration. Derivation is not a crime; after all, no man is an island; not even Ibiza. And avoid alliteration. Start each new point with a new paragraph.

16 Say exactly what you mean; a writer needs analogies like a fish needs a bicycle.

17 Refrain from utilising vocabulary of Latin origin when Germanic alternatives exist.

18 Don’t show off your extensive vocabulary by using words that your readers cannot be expected to know; unless you have shares in a dictionary publishing company. Coxcombry is unattractive in a writer.

19 Keep all aphorisms short and to the point, and never exaggerate, even if the sky should open and the earth split apart at your feet.

20 Whenever you begin a sentence, be clear in your mind, in as far as it doesn’t inhibit your creativity or annul the workings of the muse, who works in mysterious ways and is as unpredictable as she is impossible to pin down, whatever exterior conditions are prevailing at any given moment in time or space.

21 Always leave your readers with a good feeling when they finish what you’ve written; even if death is inevitable.

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify: ‘I put ‘DOCTOR’.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.